Episode 49/Transcript
(at the coffee shop) Jenna Dapananian: ...I'm like, hey Spotify, these aren't the top 100 songs on my list, ok? Jenna Darabond: I know! I swear to God, if I hear Timber one more time, I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out. Brittnay: Maybe you should. Jenna Darabond: What the fuck are you doing here? Mackenzie: Oh, just enjoying a nice cup of coffee. You know, like everybody else here at this place that everyone knows about! Jenna Darabond: I don't what you're trying to pull, but Scooter's Coffee is our spot. Mackenzie: Oh Brittnay, don't you remember somebody saying something about "not respecting boundaries" and how "the idea of groups owning spots was antiquated" and I'm sorry, what was the word for it? Brittnay: Fuck you! Mackenzie: Close enough. Judith: Um, excuse me, you're in her seat. Trisha: Oh sorry, we were just downloading the latest MLP episode. Trisha 2: Yeah, uh, we'll be done in, um, thirteen days! Rachel: Downloading? On a community wi-fi signal! Did you not read the chalkboard? No wonder why the wi-fi's so jammed up in here! Mackenzie: So it looks like your spot is now everyone's spot! You guys just seem to be following the pack, huh? Brittnay: Yeah, so why don't you stick around, as long as you don't mind being a... follower. Jenna Dapananian: Hey we're not fucking followers, okay? Mackenzie: Okay, whatever you say. Hey Rex, is my skinny vanilla latte almost ready? Judith: Rex, you fucking sellout! Jenna Darabond: Come on Jenna, we don't have to take this. Let's go somewhere a little less mainstream. Girls, we're leaving! Rachel: Yeah, we'll catch up with you in a minute, JD! I'm trying to get my Google Plus to load over here! Takin' fucking three hours, man. Judith: Yeah, and I'm still waiting for my drink from fucking Rex! Rachel: Fuck you, Rex. (at the thrift store) Jenna Darabond: Oh hey Justin. Justin: Hey babe. Jenna Darabond: Ugh, you are not gonna believe the shit we just had to deal with at the coffee shop— Justin: Babe, I can't really talk. The store's really busy right now. Jenna Darabond: Busy with what? Mackenzie: Jenna! Jenna Darabond: Oh fuck me! Mackenzie: What a crazy coincidence, running into you here! Brittnay, isn't this a crazy coincidence? Brittnay: Fuck you. Jenna Darabond: What the fuck do you think you're doing here? How'd you even get here before us? Mackenzie: Brittnay drives really fast. And you know, we just were here shopping. Justin's been really helpful. Shay: Hey Justin, how much is this? Justin: A dollar. Shay: What about this? Justin: Um, a dollar. Shay: And this? Justin: Also a dollar. Shay: Okay, well, I guess I'll just take all the clothes in the entire store then. Mackenzie: Wow, it sounds like Shay's gonna have a bunch of extra clothes to give away! Brittnay, why don't you just post it on Facebook and let everybody know they can come pick up some cool free stuff? Jenna Darabond: Please don't do that. Mackenzie: Oh don't worry Jenna, you can stick around. After all, you followed us here already, you little follower you. Jenna Darabond: I'm not a fucking follower! How do you keep knowing where we're going to go? Brittnay: Jenna Dapananian keeps tagging her location on all her pictures on Instagram. It made things kinda easy. Jenna Dapananian: Huh? What are we talking about? Jenna Darabond: Well played, Mackenzie. We're leaving. And we're going somewhere that we've never been before. So good luck beating us there. Come on Jenna. Jenna Dapananian: Okay just one more. Hashtag nailed it! Hashtag booyah! Hashtag duh! Hashtag whatever! Hashtag blessed! (in the alleys) Jenna Darabond: Oh Than, thank God you made it. Than: Yeah well, it sounded like it was important. But I can't stay long. I gotta go back to the football team meeting with the guys. I got some real big Homelanding to do. Why'd you need me here anyway? Jenna Darabond: I'll explain everything later, but I just needed somebody from our group to get here before anyone else did. Than: Yeah, I mean, I got kind of lost at first, but then I just called Brittnay, she's really great with directions, and she told me right where to go! Brittnay: (singing off-screen) Following the leader, the leader, the leader... Mackenzie: Oh hey Jenna, we were just hanging out here in the abandoned alley, how nice of you to join us. Trisha: Yeah, it's really great for rat-watching! Trisha 2: Ooh, hey, there's one! Trisha: Yeah! Trisha 2: Ah, no, wait, that's a dead rat. No wait, that's a dead cat! Ooh, a rat just came out of that dead cat! That counts for two! Mackenzie: Get used to this Jenna, wherever you go, I'm gonna be one step ahead of you. We are going to ruin your life, isn't that right Brittnay? Brittnay: Fuck you. Jenna Dapananian: Um, Jenna, maybe we should back off a little bit. They seem pretty upset. Jenna Darabond: Well good. Then I guess we're all even, because now I'm upset, and I think it's time they learn who they're messing with. Trisha: Ooh look at this rat—no, it's a possum! It's a possum! Possum! Trisha 2: Possum! Possum! He's bitey, he's bitey! Than: Alright Than, be cool. Be cool. You're just gonna do some Homelanding. No big deal. Just be Brody. Yeah, you're just Brody and you're on Homeland. TV: (off-screen) This week on Homeland... Than: Holy shit, did I just transport myself into Homeland? Tanner: Uh... hey Than, you alright over there buddy? Than: What? Oh, yeah, huh. I was just um— Deandra: Monologuing to yourself? Yeah that happens sometimes. Than: Oh you guys are watching Homeland? Blaine: Well, I was. Matthew: Hey Blaine, c'mon it's six o'clock. Our show's about to start. Blaine: Oh, right, right. Sorry, my apologies. JC Harmon Cheerleader: We're JC Harmon High Cheer and you're watching Eye on Kansas High School Sports! Whoo! Clint: Hey nice moves by the gals out at JC Harmon High! Thanks for the warm reception ladies! I'm Clint Tarpley, and you're watching another exciting edition of Eye on Kansas High School Sports! Onto our top story! State playoffs are beginning this week, and with all eyes squarely on the top two seeds. The undefeated Grizzlies from Overland Park! Everyone: Whoo! Yeah! Alright! There we go! Clint: And of course the heavy favorites, two time defending state champions, the Vikings from Shawnee Mission West who have just been dominating all season thanks to their 6 foot, five-two-hundred and five pound— Blaine: Whoa, that guy looks like my dad! Tanner: Oh man, yeah, yeah, I heard about this guy. He's been held back for like five years straight. He's like, twenty-two. Matthew: I've heard they call him the Bone-Breaker. Than: Oh yeah, why's that? Tanner: Uh, duh, because he breaks people's bones. Blaine: Oh, okay, yeah, I don't how I missed that. I don't know, I just, guess I thought it'd be more clever than that. Hey, wait a minute, how come I don't get a cool nickname? Everyone just calls me Than. Matthew: Than is a goddamn nickname! Than: Oh right, right, that's right. Oh, classic, I forgot. Clint: Joining us via satellite this week, we have the man himself, all-state running back, Oisin McGrann. Oisin, thanks for joining us! Oisin: It's no problem, we've just got to hurry this up. I've got to pick up my kids from school. Clint: Of course, Oisin. Now look, this year, you've broken every conceivable rushing record in the history of Kansas football— Oisin: Yeah, so? Clint: That is pretty impressive, don't you think? Oisin: Yeah, I guess. Clint: You've also put twenty-seven different players in the hospital this season, ending the careers of nineteen of them in the process. One boy is still in a coma. Would you like to comment on that at all? Oisin: When you cross the path of Oisin McGrann, bad things happen. To all you good-for-nothin's down at Overland Park, I suggest you get affairs in order. 'Cause Oisin's comin' for ya. Blaine: Man, fuck this guy. Deandra: Yeah, fuck this motherfuck! He can go straight to hell, for all I care! Send him straight there, the devil and everybody. Matthew: Alright, alright, hold on! He's just engaging in some friendly trash-talk. It's all a part of the game. Oisin: If you think I'm scared of a couple of nancy-boys and a robo-girl, and a guy with no clackers or a flute, you're sorely mistaken. Matthew: Oh no, you did not just talk about my clackers, motherfucker! This son of a bitch has crossed a line now, ya'll. Oisin: Like it or not, you'll all fall at the feet of Oisin McGrann. Clint: Well, alright, any final words for your potential opponents from Overland Park? Oisin: Yeah suck my dick! Than: Ask and you shall receive. Clint: Alright, well strong words from the reigning Kansas state player of the year! Good night everybody! Matthew: Alright, alright, turn that shit off. Somebody change the channel. (they do) TV: (voice-over) Next on Cafeteria Rescue... Everyone: Alright, yeah! I like that show! Than: I tell you what guys, I am going to make it my personal mission to fuck that guy up. Jenna Darabond: (flashback) We need you to stay on the football team and make sure that you lose State. Than: Or not, maybe not, I don't know, he's a really big guy, may kick my ass actually. Might totally lose. (back at school) Mackenzie: I'd say a job well done today, girls. (Brittnay's car is seen on fire) Mackenzie, Shay, and Brittnay: WHAT THE FUCK?! Brittnay: (beat) "No, Brittnay, we shouldn't light their cars on fire. That would be too extreme. That would be crazy"! Mackenzie: Look, Brittnay, come on. Who would have predicted—I mean, who would do something like this? Brittnay: I would! I begged you to do this! But nooooo, Brittnay! We had to spend the day on a hipster fucking scavenger hunt! Jenna Darabond: (walks over) Oh my god, Brittnay! What happened to your car? Brittnay: That's it! AHH!! (punches Jenna Darabond in the nose, who falls to the ground sobbing) Shay: You know, I'm just gonna say this, nobody ever blew up a car in The Breakfast Club. Or in Mean Girls.